Books by Mary F. BurnsBlog - Altared EgoJ-The Woman Who Wrote the BiblePortraits of an ArtistWest Portal MysteriesShort StoriesWorks in ProgressAbout the AuthorContact Me
Mary F. Burns
writing word by word...
January, 2010
Altared Ego

Today I became an altar boy. I guess that dates me, right? So I’m really an adult acolyte, an altar server, in the Roman Catholic Church. Specifically, St. Ignatius Church in San Francisco, a Jesuit parish on the campus of the University of San Francisco, also Jesuit.

St. Ignatius Church was once the “largest church west of the Mississippi.” It is still, however, one of the most gorgeous churches in San Francisco, perhaps in all California. Here’s how it looks in a soft summer twilight.

Since coming to San Francisco in 1976, where I first lived in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood, I was drawn to St. Ignatius Church. Then, although I was raised Catholic, I was ‘on vacation’ for a while—the sixties brought that on, and it lasted until the early eighties, when I came back. But during those early years in the Haight, I lived in a third floor Victorian flat (with some five or six other people—students, hippies, musicians) and my bedroom window faced St. Ignatius. I used to place votive candles on the top of the old frame window in the same kind of glass holders you see in churches—deep red, vibrant green, golden yellow, cobalt blue—and look out at the lighted towers of the church with a sad, deep longing tearing at my heart.

Yes, I was one of those Catholics who didn’t really like some of the changes wrought by the Second Vatican Council in the early- to mid-sixties: the hootenanny Masses, the handshake of peace, the disappearance of the bells, the incense, the chants, the Latin. Oh, there were many things I did appreciate and still do—the greater ecumenical openness, the sense of humility in the face of “other paths” to God, the gradual (alas, all too gradual in some cases) disenthronement of the patriarchal parish priest who could do no wrong. The democratizing of the structure, at least, of much of parish life has been all to the good. But truly, the liturgical baby was thrown out with the bathwater, and those of us who grew up surrounded by the rituals of bended knee, whispered confession, clouds of incense and chanting processionals were often left on our own, feeling bereft and forsaken. This happened to me in high school, so by the time I entered college, in 1968, I was done with the Church.

But I’ll get back to those early days later on.

Today is different; today is an epiphany—not bright with trumpets sounding, but gentle and cool as the rain that’s been falling quietly all day. I put on a gown of white—a sacred garment, worn by acolytes that serve at the altar, and I immediately felt different. Humble. A little awed. Quiet. All of the members of the ceremony—priest, deacon, servers, choir, lectors—gathered in a small circle in the room behind the altar just before Mass, and the priest lead us in prayer. Again, a centering moment.

The sacristan gave me instructions: carry this candle, walk in the procession behind the woman holding the incense burner, the thurible—and then the rest of the time I could just sit and observe. But it turned out a little differently, because the other acolyte scheduled for the Mass didn’t show up. So during the Mass, I was asked to do other things–help bring the bowls to hold the communion wafers to the altar, stand next to the priest and receive from him the chalice of unconsecrated hosts that was brought up by a member of the congregation for the offering, assist with laying the sacred cloth on the altar and taking it off, then washing the communion bowls later in a special sink whose drain goes directly to the earth, so that any speck of consecrated bread or wine doesn’t have to mix with the dross of an ordinary sewer pipe.

I thought I would be distracted from the essence and content of the Mass by having to focus on my duties, but it was not the case. I actually listened more intently to the readings and the homily than when I sit in the pews as a member of the congregation.

I felt graced, I felt blessed, and the feeling has stayed with me all day.

* * *

Comments? Questions? Similar experiences? Feel free!


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